This is pretty accurate, but there are definitely things they forgot. I’m working on a new one of my own. What should I add?
Author Archives: Lauren
I’m in Hawaii to celebrate the opening of Aulani, Disney’s newest resort in Ko’Olina and the number one thing I am feeling is guilt. It is so lovely, and I feel so lucky that I get to be here. There are so much shitiness in the world, and I’m here. Snorkeling, drinking, laying by the beach, repeatedly going down the water slide.
To many film critics or people with good movie taste, Disney’s 1992 musical about an 1899 New York City newsboy strike Newsies was a bust. But to anyone who was an 8-year-old girl the first time she saw it and had pretty much zero standards for film finesse, it became an obsession. My friends and I memorized all the songs, dreamed of doing the dances, and broke at least one Newsies VHS from over-use. Today, there are lots of girls in my generation who love this movie for the same reason of sentimentality that people in my generation love Goonies or The Sand Lot. These movies were awesome to us when we were younger, so even watching them now, we are under their spell.
You know, I never really wanted to live in a big house. My apartment is the size of Gandhi’s left buttcheek and I have a hard enough time trying to keep it clean. But the Walt Disney Woking Way Residence is for sale and if I had $3,650,000, I would be all over this shit. It truly is the actual real Happiest Place on Earth.
“Gated and historic home on large double lot, over one acre in total. Mediterranean entry, circular rotunda, painted ceilings, vaulted beamed ceilings, original stained leaded glass, Juliet balcony. The epic imagery: projection and screening room built for Walt Disney to watch his dailies, perhaps Snow White, Fantasia, Cinderella and enjoy private screenings. Beautiful floor plan: 4 bedrooms, 5 baths. Downtown views, pretty swimmer’s pool, billiard’s room with sleeping porch, 2 fun original bar areas and the original playhouse featured in The Man Behind the Myth. Renowned history from Hollywood royalty, yet… a place for your imprint could make this the happiest place on earth.”
My mom used to make me Mickey Mouse pancakes all the time, and every time she did I thought, Holy shit I am such a lucky girl! My mom is the funnest! And really, why don’t moms make Mickey Mouse pancakes every time? It’s not like it’s all that much harder, and the amount of increased pleasure is astronomical. Why the fuck would you be a lazy a-hole and make regular, circular pancakes when you could make these?
Artist Clair Hummel did a series of illustrations of historically accurate versions of Disney Princesses. They’re beautiful and much more interesting than the dresses of the real Disney princesses (although a six-year old princess-freak may not concur.) What’s more interesting is how pissed off people are getting about it. Particularly Jasmin’e costume.
Aladdin, if you did not know (I didn’t), is a Chinese story that takes place in fantastical “Arabia” with Indian influences, and Jasmine’s name is actually Princess Badroulbadour. Since Jasmine’s outfit could not possibly existed, Hummel stuck with mostly Persian and Iranian influences, since it was the closest historical archetype she could find (because dragging India to this is just crazy.) It’s like a pita pocket up mixed-up Persian/Iranian/Indian/Arabic ingredients, which actually sounds delicious. But instead, people are mad:
I was just in London last weekend, and had a really nice time. But for all the wonderful things I saw and did, the artwork, the palaces, the food, my favorite moment of the entire trip was when we were drunk in a taxi after dinner, and my mom said, “Look, there’s Big Ben!” And I craned my head backwards to see it. And since I was a little drunk, I could have sworn I saw Peter Pan, Wendy, John and Michael resting on the minute hand. That’s how hard I was picturing it.
American Way has detailed Pan’s flight historically through London (awesome), starting with Bloomsbury and Kensington Gardens. There, you can see the statue of Peter that was designed by Sir George Frampton and installed in April of 1912. According to London Walks tour guide Ed Glinert,
“Instead of being built here and gradually coming to life, it was built in the studio and brought here, because J.M. Barrie had this idea that he wanted children to think that it magically appeared overnight. But he didn’t actually like it himself because he said it didn’t show the devil in Peter.”
So that was my favorite part of the whole trip. That is what a dork I am. (Second was when we saw the street that was Cherry Tree Lane in Mary Poppins.) Because to me those city attractions are just as real as Buckingham Palace or Westminster Abbey.
Also, the entire time we were walking the streets I though, This looks just like EPCOT!
This is not the first time I have gone on vacation and have been unable to take off my Disney-shaded glasses. My trips to Venice or Paris or places with caves or rainforests or deserts always leads me to say the same thing: They did such a good job making that bridges or towers or stalagmites look just like the ones in Disney World!
I posted about “Pooh Sized” Disney World guests the other day, and I did it very cautiously. I didn’t want to offend heavy people, and I still don’t. But now that I think about it, my distaste for the word “pooh sized” and my shock over the immense number of obese people in Disney World is a fact that I shouldn’t be ashamed in admitting.
Listen, I love it when people celebrate their bodies and all that. But there is nothing cute about being morbidly obese. I am so glad that Disney accommodates people who are overweight (some parks don’t.) I want everyone to be able to ride Space Mountain and The Haunted Mansion. But let’s call it what it is. If you’re 5’5″ and weigh 200 pounds, you are obese. You might have high blood pressure or cholesterol, diabetes, heart disease, respiratory problems, gout, reproductive complications, bladder control issues, or psychological disorders or other serious conditions. That’s not cute, it’s scary.