I know I just returned from Disney World, but in true Lauren form, I’m on my way back again at the beginning of June. (Lucky me!) This time will be different, though. This time, Mom won’t be there. My boyfriend (whom for legal reasons shall be referred to as NEIL from this moment forward) and I are meeting up with Neil’s brother, his sister-in-law, and his seven-year-old niece.
This trip is important for a few reasons. First of all, I don’t want to freak my boyfriend out and make him want to kill me. He is normal, I am not. I’ll have to cool it, sister.
Secondly, I have never met Neil’s family and I want to make a good impression. I have already mailed the niece a Minnie Mouse backpack with an autograph book and Tink pen inside, but I realize that I cannot simply buy her love. I’m going to have to be cool. But she’s shy! So I’ve got to be calm. And I have to be fun! But I don’t want her to think I’m crazy. And I don’t want to scare her away. And I don’t want her parents to hate me, either.
The third reason this trip is important is because I haven’t been to Disney World with a child since I was a child. Much has changed in the parks (like, the entire Animal Kingdom, etc.) but I have changed, too. 27-year-old Lauren likes to sleep in and drink a lot. Go to Dance Hall! Dance Hall! Avoid lines at all cost. Avoid the Magic Kingdom, if necessary. Eat at fancy, child-shunning restaurants with amazing wine lists. Swear my ass off. But I’m don’t think that the niece will want to have fun this way. And this is her trip, after all. I have had my trip a million times. She has never been and every moment belongs to her and her cute little self.
My question: what do you do with a seven-year-old in the park these days? I was hoping to take her to a stage show, like The Little Mermaid or American Idol. And I think she’d really like Kim Possible. I don’t think she’d like The American Adventure but I want to make her do it anyway. She’s old enough for Splash Mountain, right? Spaceship Earth is a must, because I’m going to try to turn her into a Nerd Jr. version of myself. I’d love to get her on Toy Story Mania in Disney Studios, but who do you have to sleep with to get on that ride? (I’m seriously asking. I’ll do it.) The only time I have been able to score a spot was on that ride was during a press trip when I got to go to the front of every line, without even having to sleep with anyone.
We’re staying at the Polynesian, so maybe she’ll hula with me. I can be drunk for that, right? You know how I feel about drinking alcohol out of pineapples.
Also: how will I curb my swearing?