Awhile back The Frisky did a post on 100 qualities boyfriends should possess. This is their list, not mine. But if this is the blueprint for a good boyfriend, it makes me wonder, how would Aladdin size up?
Of the 100 qualities, here are the ones I’m pretty sure Aladdin would nail:
- He won’t cheat. Well. I think he’ll cheat on a lot of stuff–tests, buying bread. But not on his lady.
- He will recycle, donate to a cause, volunteer, and otherwise be a contributing member to society’s well-being. Okay, so he might not always “contribute positively to society” or ”take a shower.” But I think if there was someone in need, Aladdin would step up.
- He will treat everyone with respect. He’s been called a riff rat and a street rat and guess what? He doesn’t buy that.
- He will talk when the need arises versus trying to put it off until later. Since he’s practically a homosexual, he’s very emotional and in touch with his feelings.
- He will not watch ESPN endlessly. Even if ESPN had existed in Agrabah, I bet their teams would have all sucked so much nobody would have cared. Also, lots of young and otherwise strapping young men had their hands chopped off because a guard didn’t like their face.
- He will not judge me for watching bad TV. Jasmine would watch a 9-hour Real Housewives marathon and Aladdin would come home and just say, “Oh, Jasmine! Make room for me on the couch!”
- He will not be jealous of my gay best friend. I have a feeling Aladdin has plenty of gay best friends–there’s lots of hidden homosexuality in Disney characters, isn’t there?
- He will not want to spend every waking second with me. He’s got adventures to go on. Hello!
- He will call and not text. Well he wouldn’t text. But he probably wouldn’t call, either.
- He will not wear a cell phone holster. Doesn’t match the vest.
- He will ask me how I’m doing and how my day was and actually care. I really do think he cares about Jasmine. He’s curious about her.
- He will be content sometimes to spend the whole day in bed watching movies and eating takeout. He probably had to do that a lot when he was too poor to be able to afford AMC tickets.
- He will compliment me every now and then, especially when I’ve made an effort to look nice for a night out. Jasmine always looks smokin’ and Aladdin knows it. I’m sure he can’t help but tell her all the time.
- He will not be an alcoholic. He’s Muslim, right? See, I love stereotypes.
- He will have goals, dreams, and the drive to achieve them. Look at all the bullshit he went through to get Jasmine in the first place!
- He will text or call just to say ‘Hi.’ If he had a phone, he would. He might even be a tad annoying.
- He will not live across the country. I’m pretty sure he’ll stay in the castle. He doesn’t have many job opportunities or family elsewhere to pull him away from Agrabah.
- He will consider a long distance relationship if he has to move away. But if he was pulled away, he’d want to still be with Jasmine. I mean look at those two. They were made for each other no matter what!
- He will be interested in culture, music, art, and travel. Ummm… sure. He’s going to have to. Don’t Princes have to go through that bullshit all the time? I bet he’ll whisper a lot of fart jokes to Jasmine during boring speeches and turn dumb art programs into paper airplanes.
- He will be open-minded and non-judgmental of others.
- He will put as much effort forth to find out about my day as I did about his.
- He will actually enjoying spending time with me.
- He will be crazy about me as much as I will be about him.
- He will not make me feel dumb or childish. He is kind of dumb and childish, so if Jasmine was, he wouldn’t seize it as an opportunity to make her feel like she was, too.
- He will appreciate the art of foreplay. You know this guy has some moves.
- He will not try to teach me when I didn’t ask to be taught. Jasmine is no dipshit and that’s what Aladdin likes about her. He knows she’s a badass.
- He will want to go to sleep at night with me, and wake up beside me in the mornings, not on the couch. I bet he loves spooning.
- He will appreciate my efforts to try new things. When you’re basically homeless and forced to steal food, you get used to being open to new things.
- He will talk to me when something bothers him.
- He will love me for me—faults, imperfections and all—and love me all the more for them.
- He will continually surprise me. It’s not often on a first date the guy ends up saying, “Do you trust me” and is talking about your life.
- He will lovingly accept my neurosis.
- He will stay with me through joy and pain.
- He will have a backbone in the relationship and not be afraid to tell me ‘no.’
- He will be a great kisser. Omg, you can tell.
- He will have a great sense of humor, but know when to be serious. He’s a silly goose, you know it!
- He will be more passionate in random moments.
- He will think I’m HOT, not just cute.
- He will treat me as well as my friends do. In Jasmine’s case, better than her friends do.
- He will be able to laugh at himself.
- He will kiss me passionately every once and a while.
- He will give me space.
- He will not have a fixation with his ex. I’m guessing his ex is not a hot princess like Jasmine. He probably forgot what she looks like 30 seconds into the relationship.
- He will not make me feel like I’m only second best.
- He will not go to bed at 9:30 pm.
- He will have a good spiritual connection, but not enough to make me think he may want to be a priest.
- He will want a family.
- He will know what a commitment is and follow up that knowledge with actions that support it.
- He will understand that relationships aren’t all perfect, and that sometimes fighting can resolve difficult issues.
- He will like going out on a week night sometimes, rather than just watching TV.
- He will get more satisfaction than dissatisfaction from his job.
- He will be able to deal with my pet. He loves pets.
- He will talk dirty. I think we have all the evidence we need for this one.
- He won’t have an extensive and publicly known porn collection.
- He will appreciate that my child is my number one priority.
- He will trust me. Aladdin is all about trust.
- He will be more interested in sex because he wants to be with me, not because it’s sex and he just wants it.
- He will not take himself so seriously.
- He will say he’s open minded and actually mean it.
- He won’t judge me by my past relationships. That’s easy. I’m pretty sure her past relationships were douchebags.
- He will not remind me of how hot girls are that are the complete opposite of me.
- He will not push anal sex on me every time I’m on my period.
- He will have sex with me while I’m on my period.
- He will have already installed the filter that lets him know when not to say inappropriate, offensive things in front of me.
- He will love that I have such a big heart.
- He will be smart but not snide.
- He will not have friends of the opposite sex who aren’t just friends.
- He will love that I’m independent.
- He will be okay with little displays of affection such as holding hands.
- He will like to go down on me.
- He will stand up for me if someone unexpectedly attacks me, verbally or otherwise, and ask questions later. I feel like Aladdin would beat the shit out of anyone who attacked his girlfriend.
So. That’s a lot. But I’m not sure Aladdin would pass a few of the tests on the list:
- He won’t put others down to make himself feel better.
- He will have a job.
- He will not smoke pot.
- He will be tall.
- He will be emotionally mature, available, and evolved.
- He will know how to manage his money.
- He will not be vain.
- He will understand that ‘No’ means ‘No.’
- He will know how to do his own laundry. @TerribleClaw says Aladdin seems easy to train and Jasmine is pretty bossy, so she’d lounge with her tiger while he cleans everything. But I think they’d both just find some servants to do it. Or a Genie.
- He will have read a book since high school. Get a feeling the boy don’t read much.
- He will not snore…much. Cartoon characters always snore a lot.
- He will tell the truth. Liars can’t be fixed, and this guy is a liar. Even when he has the best intentions.
- He will learn how to communicate like an adult.
- He will wear plaid well. He won’t wear plaid well. And he shouldn’t.
- He will have sex with his eyes open, most of the time. I feel like he’d be selfish in bed, maybe kind of? Isn’t that why he’s with Jasmine in the first place?
- He will have the ‘we’ team mentality. And that is a GOOD thing.
- He will know who he is as a person and be honest about that.
- He will have a regular sized temper than does not super-size itself randomly. Aladdin sort of flies off the handle sometimes. But I don’t think there are any domestic violence issues going on, here.
- He will be able to think more than two day in the future. It’s not his style.
- He will be responsible with money. Aladdin getting to be a Prince is like someone on welfare winning the lottery. He won’t know what to do with it. In fact, I worry he’ll lose the Palace in a bet or give everything away to poor people.
- He will be confident in himself, but not egotistical. Have you heard that Prince Ali song?
- He will love wine. I don’t think Muslims drink too much, and I am assuming he is Muslim.
- He will take out the trash and happily do the dishes. Happily? Who does the dishes happily? WHO?
- He will not beat a dead horse of a conversation when we disagree, and try to strong arm to prove he is right. He’s stubborn. But Jasmine is, too. Their fights are never going to end!
- He will not be selfish with his love when things don’t go his way.
- He will not be in trouble with the law. Umm…
- He will not spend engagement-ring money on a Skeeball lane for his basement. You know he is going to pimp out the Palace in, like, 8 seconds flat.
- He will VOTE and not make excuses about why he chooses not to vote. There is a chance he is pretty pessimistic about the government. He either doesn’t give a shit about voting or really gives shits about voting. I am unsure which.
- He will NOT be a manorexic gym fanatic. I wouldn’t put it past him.
According to this list, which once again is not mine, Aladdin scores a 79%. Not bad for a riff raff street rat. If it were me, I’d be willing to overlook 29 points due to Aladdin’s hotness.
Would you date Aladdin? Do you agree with his score?
If you love Aladdin you’ll really love this.
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